For the past couple of months I’ve been celibate…
I’m not sure if this is because I’ve really not been interested in anyone, or it’s because everyone’s on Tinder except for me, or because I just want to not have that responsibility of messing around in other peoples lives. But it’s probably all the above.
I don’t know what to tell you about living a celibate lifestyle, I guess I feel more at peace but at the same time more frustrated. I feel more clear that when I do meet someone I fall for, I won’t have any baggage or other possible love interests.
That my love-life is pretty much a blank canvas where I can paint my love purely and I can really value another individual in this world for who she is, entirely.
Right now, I’m just stuck loving myself, and I I’m learning to love myself fiercely so that when someone else sees it they’ll know exactly how it should be done, but lately it’s been hard, my self esteem lowers as I think “Why would anyone even want to be with me?” and when all I want to do is believe in myself again but then I question the fact that my exes couldn’t see what was true, so how can I believe in myself?
…
Anyway this isn’t about them, it’s about me.
and I guess this is my answer to finding myself,
someone told me that I am really stepping inside myself now,
which made me wonder when did I step out?
I tend to think that I step into myself at the same time stepping out,
like when I day-dream and I pause within my life while it’s still going,
not knowing when I should step out of the shower,
or get up from my bed,
or even leave my bedroom,
I just know that I’m always myself, and I can’t really remember the last time I was afraid of doing that.
I think that’s an achievement on it’s own.
Well anyway here’s some scribbles…
‘Battle’ – 10th of April 2017
Sometimes when I look at this world
I see myself as defeated
I see the things that I could have been
I see everything that has beaten me to the point where I could no longer be strong like I once was…
The strong that everyone else sees, the person that has been through everything
and acknowledge lessons of leanest,
The ideas and passions are great but they don’t compare to the cheaters
The ones that don’t follow rules and gossip cues and robs the truth.
Those that have allowed me to beg for comfort, made me feel insignificant to myself
for that is where I battle myself…
and I’m not quiet sure where the things are placed…
Matcho Cassidy 
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